I didn’t see the changing of seasons.

Five years had passed when I found out that my ex husband had reached back out to the teen in our church…who now was married herself.

I had all “biblical” grounds to leave the first time, but I stayed.

At that point we had two kids.

Now we had four.

And remember the private school I started teaching at after high school?

I never left.

I continued teaching, going to school, and eventually became an administrator at the private school as well as leading the children’s ministry at our church.

My ministry became my drug.

Let me explain.

As long as I was busy planning, teaching, organizing, doing…I was able to numb out the pain, shame, loneliness, embarrassment, guilt, fear, bitterness (too much to list) that was rooted in my soul.

I was good at pretending.

This is why I say God wasn’t set out to heal my marriage…He was set out to heal me.

He wanted to revive me.

He wanted to restore the joy of my salvation.

And it would start here…taking away my drug.

Forcing me to face it all.

The school I served at for 18 years was going through a transition.

The principal I served beside for a decade was now retiring. He recommended me as the next principal but I declined.

I was the school coordinator…I loved what I did.

So the position was given to the vice principal.

So fall, I found out my husband was being a fool again.

And at the beginning of winter, I found out I no longer had my position as school coordinator…the future principal (VP) gave it to someone else.

I was in shock…the principal and I both were.

The VP lied and manipulated...to me it was just another betrayal.

Not just by him but those in leadership that looked past his deception and brought no correction.

By the end of winter, I left completely…the school and the church I grew up in.

By summer, I was moving to the country, miles from where I grew up.

Fall, winter, spring, summer…just like that everything I ever knew vanished.

The withdrawal was insane.

I was angry, I was bitter…but ultimately, I was crushed.

Anyone who knew me, knew my heart, knew how much I loved my church and loved ministering to children and their families.

I had made a lot of sacrifices for the school…but those were not the sacrifices God wanted.

He wanted my heart.

My whole heart.

He wanted me seeking Him.