I had an unhealthy fear of losing one of my children.

So much so I became an over protective helicopter mom.

I was always right there.

Ready to catch them so they wouldn’t fall.

Clearing the path of any danger so they wouldn’t get hurt.

If they had a problem, I was quick to solve it for them.

I was Holy Spirit in the flesh.

Brazil did help with my decision to move to the country, but what sealed it was the death of the 6 year old girl who lived just two blocks away from our home in the suburbs.

Murdered by a 17 year old neighbor boy.

I went from helicopter mom to prison warden in a split second…complete lockdown.

I did not let my kids out of my sight.

I was that mom who had an entire RV park shut down because I couldn’t find my oldest son, who was then 11, after just a few minutes of being out of my sight.

I was screaming as I ran through the park…”have you seen a boy wearing a read angry birds shirt?!?”

I had the whole park looking for him.

He had gotten lost coming back from the restroom looking for the corn maze.

But in my mind…I already had him kidnapped, murdered, and buried!

So the thought of divorce and having to share custody of my children was daunting.

My kids kept me going.

But God didn’t want them to keep me going…He wanted to keep me.

He wanted to remove any and all things I had put before Him.

Things I loved before Him.

Things I trusted before Him.

The loss of my ministry and now marriage was just the tip of the iceberg.

After my divorce, my oldest went to live with his dad…only 13.

His dad had full custody.

For almost 5 years I had to sit on the sidelines and watch from afar.

I had no more control of what he did and didn’t do.

I only got to see him a handful of times.

He wanted nothing to do with me.

My greatest nightmare became my reality.

What I felt that day in the park is what I felt until God restored our relationship.

I’d learn the blessings (the spiritual security) comes to those who believes, trusts in, and relies on the Lord.

Whose hope and confident expectation is the Lord.

Not “in the Lord” but “is the Lord”.

As a friend would later share on her parenting blog…I had to learn to love deeply while holding on loosely.

This was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to learn…but God did a great work through it.

He humbled me even more.

He changed my perspective.

I learned to trust Him with my most precious treasures…my children.

And as for parenting, this hard season made me a better parent to my younger three—for that I’m grateful.

I will never stop saying it…what the enemy means for evil, God can bless it and turn it around for your good!