Letting go was harder than I thought.

Fall came.

By this time, I had given everything away, moved into an RV trailer, and moved across the street from my grandparents' farm.

I was dreaming big with God...believing He was doing something brand new.

Brand new in my marriage and ministry.

I had just launched a magazine for women to share their testimonies...and I believed so strongly the visions God had given me in the spring of 2015 were finally being fulfilled.

God was doing something new alright...but it wasn't in my marriage or my ministry.

It was in my heart.

God had been telling me to let go of my marriage, but fear gripped me hard. I feared man and what they would think. I was always told you do not divorce.

It was at the 2nd women's retreat I hosted in November 2016, all hell broke loose.

Friends and family at the retreat saw a side of my ex husband they had never seen before. One friend pulled me aside and said..."he's keeping something from you."

Immediately I thought..."another affair."

Once everyone left, I sat down with him and asked him what he was keeping from me.

First there was denial.

Then it came..."I hadn't had just the one affair. My first affair was right after our eldest was born."

He cried as he told me.

There had been affairs our entire marriage.

I hugged him

I wept.

I believed in that moment he was sincere.

I said...I forgive you and now you are free.

We are free.

In that moment, I believed we were going to be able to move forward and God was going to be able to heal my marriage.

I was back to fighting for my marriage.

The weekend was over and he went back to the city to work for the week.

Now it was just me and God again.

A few nights after he was gone, I was sitting on my bed, having quiet time with God, and that's when God said..."I told you to let go, and he's still lying to you."

Me to God..."what could he possibly be lying about? He confessed all the affairs."

God to me..."call him."

So I called him and basically told him..."God says you are still lying to me. What are you not telling me?"

Him to me..."I'm not lying. I've told you everything."

Me to him..."if you can't be honest with me then don't come home."

I hung up the phone.

Not much time passed before the phone rang.

Denial over.

Confession again.

Him to me..."it wasn't just women but men too."

That's all it took.

Me to him..."I'm done. I'm really done. Don't come home."

He didn't come home...and letting go was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I had to fear God, not man.

Man had their opinions and they were loud.

I was made to feel as if I had not fought for my marriage, but I had from the moment I said, "I do".

Thankfully, God had gotten me to a place where I now sought Him...not man.

It was Him I wanted to please.

It was Him I trusted.

And it was Him that told me..."I know the hearts of all man and your husband is not going to change with you, but if you let go...I will change you and him."

So I surrendered my marriage.

I let go.