Things didn't go as planned.

It was a sudden kiss that led to that first touch that eventually led to the loss of my virginity.

I had never had a boyfriend only crushes that I would push away up until now.

My first love had always been Jesus and then basketball.

Now I was fresh out of high school, no more basketball, and trying to discover what would be next in my life.

I signed up for junior college and seminary while teaching a three year old preschool class at my church's private school.

It was there at the school that I would meet the man that really made me feel beautiful and seen for the very first time.

Something the enemy knew I desired more than anything with my insecurities and lack of self worth.

A weapon the devil used against me when I met my first husband, second husband, and even my now husband.

This man was attractive with a dark past.

Almost twice my age, he had a drug addiction that led him to the streets, that led him to being homeless, and now working at the church I grew up in and where I now worked.

Our paths began to cross almost daily...attending the same seminary classes.

It was after one of our classes he walked me to my car and gave me a sudden kiss...my first kiss.

From that kiss forward we began to spend more and more time together.

With each kiss, I felt more and more desired and loved. It wasn't long before that first kiss led to his first touch.

Like all sin it took place in the dark with the slip of a hand.

That's all it took along with the words "I love you" on repeat...and my innocence was gone.

I do believe that he loved me...and I know I loved him.

Maybe too much.

And it wasn't long before this relationship consumed me the more intimate we became.

I just knew deep down I was going to marry this man...I was going to spend the rest of my days with him.

I didn't see the struggles that engulfed us only how much I loved him and needed him.

I had given him my whole heart.

I was beautiful, seen, and loved.

Until that day came.

The day I came to his place. His truck was gone. His things were gone. He was gone.

There was no trace of him.

I thought maybe he slipped...and he'd be back like the times before.

He always came back.

But this time he didn't...he left without even saying goodbye.

And I never heard from him again until this past year.

God allowed us to connect so I could forgive and move forward.

He crushed me...because like I said-I believed he would be my first and only husband.

He was my best friend...we worked.

I don't even remember ever fighting with him (though I'm sure we had our moments). I loved spending time with him.

I want to share this message with you so you can know his heart...he was never his past to me.

I remember you looking very surprised (referring to that first kiss). I wanted so badly to come back to you, but I felt that you could have done so much better than me and that I was bad for you. At least that's the lie I told myself because the truth is I never felt worthy of your love. You made me a better man, and I really do cherish my memories of us, it seems like another life time, and there is not a day gone by that I wish I had made better choices. But you are right, everything did happen for a reason. God gave me two awesome sons and they are my life. I often think about how life would have been with you. You know (our friend) had loaned me the money to get you a ring to propose to you and I had picked out the date I was going to ask you and everything, then I got in the way (like always). I know I don't deserve this opportunity to talk with you, but God is good!

And that was that.

A weight was lifted with forgiveness.

And as I continue to share, you will see that's what my entire journey with God has been about...letting go and moving forward in forgiveness so I can live a life abundantly in Him.

Allowing God to ignite my devotion as I share my dirty little secrets.