I conceived on my honeymoon.

How do I know this?

Because we had no sex once we got home.

I married a man I didn’t really know. I was still trying to get to know him.

The more I got to know him, the more I despised him.

The jealousy that had me give the engagement ring back, now turned into control.

And like I mentioned before, I found myself in my pastor’s living room looking for approval to leave.

A get out of jail free card.

I got it and I was going to leave…but that week I passed out twice.

Once in the bathroom and once in the hallway hitting my head on the furnace.

That’s how I found out I was pregnant…and that’s why I chose to stay in my marriage—for my child.

Do I regret that?

No…I would gain three more children despite the fact we did not have sex often.

As in, I could count how many children we had to tell you how many times we had sex.

It just never felt right…it always felt gross and dirty.

Now I know why.

It was the demons he carried from the porn, the adultery with both women and men, and only God knows what else.

God kept me from any diseases from that lifestyle he lived.

And he kept my children as well.

My children who are my greatest blessing from that messy season.

Did I want my marriage to work?

Absolutely!

I had journals upon journals where I prayed for him, me, and my marriage.

While I didn’t really have a relationship with God, I knew He was real.

I knew He was there.

I knew He loved me.

I knew I could take my prayers to Him.

And ultimately it was my prayers I had journaled that led me to an even messier path where I would experience Him to the fullest.

God knew the messes it was going to take to crush me to lead me to an intimate relationship with Him.

Messes that would lead to a life full of miracles, healings, deliverances, His extravagant love, and supernatural encounters.

And He also knew the messes it was going take to crush you.

Your messes may look different than mine…but, friend, it serves the same purpose.

Good.

Bad.

Messed up.

Jesus wants to restore us to live freely and lightly.

Our burdens are His...we just have to lay them at His feet.

This is something I’d have to learn to do…to lay it down and not pick it back up.